Cher and I have gotten about 10 billion requests asking what happened on a recent Girls’ Night In. Things got a little out of hand, as she would say, “like teenagers only more insane.” Enjoy, Bitches.

Here’s the proof.

Here’s the proof.

Typically Cher demands a no makeup, sweatpants kind of situation for our nights in but on a recent visit, just to annoy her, I said, “Will you do my makeup for me? Oh and make it sparkly.” After a quick argument she said, with no irony, “Well we’ll have to start in my sparkle drawer.” I immediately ran into her colossal Balinese themed bathroom to find the ‘sparkle drawer.’

Exhibit A: Note Cher’s actual ‘sparkle drawer.’

Cher ran into the bathroom after me and I innocently asked her if she had any fake eyelashes to put on me that were super ‘Cher-y.’ She said, once again with no irony, “I guess I could. Check the fake eyelash drawer.” Just want to point out here Cher has a rather large dresser drawer filled with fake eyelashes that she nonchalantly refers to as the eyelash drawer. You guys have one of those, right? Let’s make this clear, Cher was not upset with me because I was rummaging around her fake eyelash drawer but because her fake eyelash drawer was so messy. Cher is a tidy lady. She began to furiously straighten the drawer.

Cher organizing her ‘fake eyelash drawer.’

Cher organizing her ‘fake eyelash drawer.’

I know this is only 15 seconds but I really think it says it all. Enjoy…

So after I talked Cher into putting some sparkly makeup on me I took a couple of pictures for you but, I am going to be honest, you can’t really tell in these photos how insanely sparkly she made me.

I then asked Cher to take a picture of me as if I was going to be on the cover of Teen Vogue— which is still a dream of mine. And I said, “Okay, I need something fabulous.” She then said, once again with no irony, “Okay bitch, if you are going to be this crazy you might as well just wear my original Sonny and Cher ‘I Got You Babe’ vest.” IT…WAS…ON. She threw in a big belt, some sparkly Louboutins and told me to pose.

Teen Vogue Fantasy Shoot.

Teen Vogue Fantasy Shoot.

Then I said, “I want to take one of us together on my iPhone. I’ll reverse the camera.” Her reaction was, “Aww, hell Kathleen, let me put on a little god-damned makeup myself.” I told her I could ‘More-Beaute’ it i.e. photoshop it right on my phone and that we would look much younger but quite pale and ghostly like the kids on Twilight and she said that was okay because, “Most of my fans are vampires anyway.” So here we are being the vampires of tomorrow.

I ‘More Beaute’d’ the shit out of this picture. That’s right, this Tired Hooker (my Emmy nominated Bravo special) might’ve just gotten a Tumblr but I’ve been knowing how to ‘Turn Back Time’ using the More Beaute2 app for a long while.

I ‘More Beaute’d’ the shit out of this picture. That’s right, this Tired Hooker (my Emmy nominated Bravo special) might’ve just gotten a Tumblr but I’ve been knowing how to ‘Turn Back Time’ using the More Beaute2 app for a long while.

Whether Cher wants to admit it or not she got caught up in the moment. What follows is the product of two lunatics— one living legend true diva and one two time People’s Choice Award loser— having a Girls’ Night In. I think the Pictures speak for themselves. I for one fully expect to be put on a Britney Spears style 5150 hold any minute now.